Chet Manly’s satirical rants will surely leave you in stitches. You are warned, do not read this and drink at the same time – unless you want it to come out your nose.

Eating more hamburgers will help fight global warming but we need the help of the vegan and vegetarian community. This will be a noble cause and we need the help of all people to eat more hamburgers. Forget your morning eggs or Wheaties and enjoy a hearty breakfast burger to start your day and help the fight on the growing levels of methane in our atmosphere!

How will eating hamburgers help? It helps by downsizing the cattle population. As I have recently found out, cows fart. In fact, cows fart a lot; probably all day, every day would be my guess. That’s a lot of methane gas going into our atmosphere and increasing greenhouse gasses. Don’t even get me started on the smell and ‘udder’ lack of manners!

In the United States alone, we have about 90 million cows! 90 MILLION! Each cow is probably about 237 hamburgers. Using advanced math and a calculator I have figured out that’s a lot of hamburgers. Approximately a gazillion burgers are currently walking around farting in the very air we breath and helping destroy our planet. This is why we need the help of everyone, including vegans and vegetarians to eat more burgers. As much as I like a good chicken sandwich on occasion, I have to completely disagree with the Chick-fil-a cows.

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In an effort to curb this environmental disaster, we need to call upon the scientific and agricultural leaders of the world to help find other solutions. Even though it has been suggested that simply putting a cork in the butt of every cow will help curb the problem, this has been proven false. This was inaccurate information spread by Russian hackers and fake news reports dating back to the early 1930’s. Doing this would essentially create barnyard IED’s. The cows would simple fill up with methane and explode; probably. Imagine taking your family for a Sunday drive in the country, you pass by a farm or field of cows and a couple of them just blow up splattering your car with sausage makings! What would you say? “YUK!” or “GROSS!” would be my guess.

The danger of exploding cows vary by state. Texas has almost 12 million cattle alone. This has to have a negative effect on the tourism industry in that state as well as the environmental impact. Rhode Island on the other hand only has about 5,000 barnyard explosives. I know where I’m taking my family on vacation even though there’s nothing to do in Rhode Island. Sure Texas is bigger than Rhode Island and you’re probably thinking 5,000 cows in Rhode Island is like having 5,000 cows in your bathroom. True, but you expect your bathroom to smell bad. I’m not suggesting Rhode Island smells bad, I’m just saying that’s a lot of cow farts for a small place.
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The urgency of this situation needs national attention and national focus. The U.S. Department of Agriculture needs to be proactive and find solutions. I urge everyone to contact them as well as your congressmen. They can be reached at, U.S. Department of Agriculture

1400 Independence Ave., S.W., Washington, DC 20250. In the meantime, let’s eat! I want cheese on mine.

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